Whole Without Him...


It’s been a while when I realised my wholeness without him. I wont blame anybody but me to be a part of a bond which was mere a lifeless bud that was never going to be bloomed. It was dark. I always tried to look for a ray of happiness amidst the four walls of a closed cave but couldn’t find it anywhere.

I still couldn't forget how toxic he became. If toxic people were something ingestible, they would surely come with some warning label on their packaging. Although those in love are always ready to happily devour all the poison their partner offers to them. I was doing the same. I won’t deny the fact that all relationships have flaws and none of them come wrapped with the everlasting spark of the sunshine and goodness and beautiful things. In any usual relationship there will be fights and arguments every now and then. Things will be said and done and then pardoned, and then sometimes even repeated. But for the most part, they will feel fostering and life-giving to be in. At the very least, they won’t hurt us.

But what if, sometimes, they do? What if we lost all our mental peace maintaining our relationship? I sit here on the edge of my bed typing this and keep on thinking what else could I have done to make things better?

Maybe, just nothing. The irony of life is in order to have a practical chance to turn a noxious relationship into a healthy happy relationship; we have to be prepared to leave it. And I just did the same thing. It was not easy. Initially, it nearly killed me. I never thought it would be possible for me to be in a life where he won’t be there to hold my hand. Where he won’t be there to calm me down. Maybe, I made him my dependability. I always felt as if I couldn’t live without him. We all create such illusions around ourselves and don’t want to come out of them. But to be very honest, it’s nothing more than a delusional belief that we cannot live on our own. It might be difficult but not impossible.

He and I were together for a long time. The more time I spent with him, the more I became dependent upon his smile. The more dependent I became, the more difficult it got to leave him. But life had other plans. And we should always welcome whatever comes our way with our arms open, happily. Our relationship was becoming a catastrophe. I tried hard to untangle the strings between us even though I knew that we were never meant to be together. There was no future. Everything was vague. Every time, I wanted to be with him; he crushed my heart to pieces. And yet, I gathered all the pieces again and stand there, just to get trampled again.

I wanted my happiness back. I wanted to have my life back. Throughout our life, we look for our happiness in our partner. But we should understand the fact that our partner should not be the source of our happiness but a part of our happiness. And so, the day came when I no longer needed him. I left him. It took all my strength to make up my mind for such a harsh decision. But I did it. And as I did it, I felt my soul free itself from an invisible bondage. I felt as if someone pulled me out of that dark cave I was trapped in. I was craving for that little ray throughout that time being, but now, there is light everywhere I look. I breathe in the air, and my lungs get inflated by the cool breeze. I could feel my happiness, within me. Now, I am free bird who wanders above the flowing brook. Now, I am independent and whole...

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