It's a melancholic evening. My mind is engrossed with a lot of turmoil. Currently, I am just sitting purposelessly looking out of the window in the corner of my dimly lit room making futile attempts to not to overthink. But sometimes, everything just goes into vain. Anyways, the same old song that we used to listen together is playing on loop somewhere around me making me even more vulnerable.
All I know is, one minute I am ticking along fine and life seems sweet and the very next moment, I start feeling edgy. I just wonder how it all happened. I can see it happening in the window pane right in front of me. I see how I let 'him' go.
Yes, I let him go. He is now a past. He destroyed everything we had. He ruined the beautiful bond we shared. I have lost all the faith in him. Every time, I think of him, I feel shattered. I am not in love with him anymore. These words resonate in my soul whenever his image pops up in my head. That longing for him, those anxious thoughts, those sleepless nights of haunting memories are all gone. I feel stunned and uncertain if this new reality is indeed my reality. He had been my world for years. He was there in my every moment. He intertwined my words and actions. His name was engraved on my heart with the ink of love. But now, when I think of him, he is nothing more than a fading image of a person I used to know. Of something I used to have and that I am glad I no longer have.
In this journey, I realised that I fell out of love in the same way I fell in love. It was gradual at first and then all of a sudden, there was a turn in the feelings of my heart and he no longer awoke the flame within me.
I was fearful for a while. Fearful that although I would be able to leave him, to let him go, but I would continue to love him. That I would seek new love and find that love, but that a small part of me would still long for him. I feared that I could never be a whole without him in my life because he had so become a part of me. Yet, the process of unloving him was one that left me a whole in a way that I never thought could exist. I fell out of love with him. And with every loosened string, I felt my spirit free itself from the bonds of a kind of a love that was never meant to be fulfilled. Nights are no longer lonely. Days are no longer empty. His absence no longer haunted me but revealed a beauty in a new life. A life without him. Initially, I just left him. I let him go. But now, I unloved him. And in doing so, I became a stronger, more complete, more authentic me!