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I Failed Again...

Again, my favourite part of the day – the melancholy evening. Again, I did something that shouldn’t be very proud of. Again, I couldn’t control the urge of cutting myself. Again, I banged my head against the wall. Again, I broke the promise that I made with myself. And yet again, I failed.

I don’t know what to do with myself. Sometimes, it feels as if I am the worst human being in the universe. Sometimes, I do terrible things. Sometimes, I end up hurting the people I love, knowingly. Sometimes, I just hate myself to be me. Sometimes, I myself couldn’t justify my own actions even if I want to because at the end, I know I did wrong. Sometimes, I just want everything can get back to normal like it used to be. I wish I could change what I have done. But alas! I know I couldn’t. Right now, as I sit here in the corner of my darkness filled room I feel as if I am a piece of crap. It’s not a huge thing to be honest. It happens with me every now and then. Though in 98% of the cases I manage to deal with it in a quite healthy and productive way. But the rest 2% are the times when I slip.

I’ve tried different distraction techniques that actually helped me as well – from writing down my thoughts what I am doing right now, to hitting a pillow, listening to music, cooking and a few more. But the most helpful to me was the five minutes rule, where if you feel like you want to self-harm, you wait for five minutes before you do it, then see if you can go another five minutes, and so on till eventually the feeling that you need to is over. But today, I couldn’t even hold on to this 5-minute rule.

It’s not that that I do it to gain anybody’s attention. I don’t. Even though it might sound absurd to most of the people around me. But it’s actually just my way of dealing with the emotional overload that pops up sometimes in my life. I had been a troubled child ever since my teenage years. Till date, I am not very sound in handling my emotions. I break out easily. I get aggressive easily. The only difference is earlier I used to live in a denial and now I have self-acceptance of the things I do. Though, I already know there’s no justification of my actions but I also know that it’s actually my defence mechanism. It’s my normal way of dealing with life’s problems. It’s just that some people can manage these troubles by talking to friends and family, there are few others like me who find these difficulties overwhelming. I don’t do it every other day. But there’s a moment when this day suddenly comes up and bam! You couldn’t take the pressure anymore! It becomes unbearable. People like me turn this in on themselves and use their bodies as a way to express the thoughts and feelings they can’t say aloud. I am no different. I heard they say that people who self-harm take pleasure in the pain or risk associated in the behaviour. But to be honest, I don’t feel pain any different than anyone else. The harming behaviour does cause me pain. But sometimes, I just feel so numb and want to feel anything to remind me I am alive, even if it hurts. The other times, it’s my coping mechanism to provide temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, emotional numbness, or a sense of failure. And sometimes, I cause the pain as a punishment for my inappropriate actions.

I already know there is no justification of what I did. I apologise to myself and I’ll work hard in making futile attempts of not engaging in such a behaviour. AGAIN.

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